


when you try your best but you don't succeed

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Tumblr Prompt Responses [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, I now live and breathe the buck begins episode sorry, Non Graphic Descriptions of Violence, buck begins spoilers, mentions of Daniel, mentions of doug kendall, so many spoilers probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29499495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Buck had saved her life and he probably had no idea, he had given her something to cling onto when she felt as though she had nothing and there’s a massive part of him that wants to thank the youngest Buckley. Maddie had saved his, too and he can’t stand the thought of the two of them being torn apart by a decision forged in the midst of trauma at nine years old.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Tumblr Prompt Responses [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129619
Comments: 17
Kudos: 59
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	when you try your best but you don't succeed

Chimney has barely been carrying the burden of this deep, dark Buckley family secret for forty-eight hours when it all comes pouring out. He was the first person Maddie had ever uttered her brother’s name to, the first person she had ever told since that day she had been forced to make a promise she never should have been asked to keep. And as hard as he knew it would be, he had a feeling that once the floodgates had been opened, once the secret had been put out into the universe, it would have it’s way of landing on Buck’s lap. 

It just so happened that way came in the form of a photograph, long-forgotten and long-hidden in Maddie’s baby box where she had once thought her parents wouldn’t look. The one thing she had left of him after her parents had thrown everything and anything that reminded them of the child they had lost. 

His heart aches for them in every way possible because he can’t imagine, even for a second, saying goodbye to their baby girl and he hasn’t even said hello yet. But the pain intensifies when he thinks of a nine year old Maddie wondering why she was being taken away from her friends and the life she had known and why she couldn’t mention the brother she didn’t even remember life without. And then he thinks of Buck, never knowing that he was wanted but not for the right reasons, never understanding why his parents were the way they were. Because Maddie has some fond memories of the parents they were  _ before _ and it’s hard for her to feel as though  _ her  _ parents hadn’t died the day they lost their son. Buck never knew what had been before, that they could have grown up vastly differently from the way they had. 

He feels selfish for thinking it, but he wonders if Maddie hadn’t practically raised her brother, if neither of them had lost so much, if they’d still be the same people they were today. And if they weren’t, maybe he wouldn’t have them. His annoying little brother that he trusts with his life every single day and the great love of his life, carrying the only girl in the world he’ll ever love more than her. That hurts more than any secret because a life without the Buckley’s, isn’t a life he wants.

Despite it all, he still wants better for both of them but right then, especially for the woman sobbing in his arms. It’s the most helpless he’s felt in a long time, softly focusing on rubbing her back and holding her close as she faces away from him, his chest pressed to her back as he whispers comforting words in her ear, hoping she at least hears some of them through her heartbreak. 

It’s not a surprise that Buck had walked out, it’s not a shock that he wasn’t answering Maddie’s calls because he was angry and he had every right to feel that way. Chimney had spent over twenty years of his own life feeling as though he was missing out on a family, watching everyone around him, including his own father, form their own whilst he was always on the side line. He can’t imagine how it must feel to truly be on the outside of some family secret, he doesn’t want to imagine the hurt that comes with that. 

Maddie had, eventually, fallen asleep in his arms until, ten minutes ago when he’d been pulled out of his own slumber by the sound of gasping sobs and he’d found himself pressed up against her as close as he could, tears in his own eyes because he had known this would happen. It was out there now and every bit of grief and hurt that Maddie had buried down at just nine years old was rising to the surface and things she had forgotten or things that she hadn’t wanted to remember are rising along with it and the sound of her heart breaking makes his own feel heavy in his chest. He’s never felt love like it - the kind that causes an indescribable amount of pain to soar through his own body whenever she’s hurting or a happiness when he hears her laugh or sees her smile. He can’t even remember the last time he had heard that beautiful sound or seen that light in her eyes when she genuinely smiled. 

“I-I tried,” It’s the first time she’s actually spoken since he’d walked into the apartment and found her sitting, staring at a photograph of a kid he could only assume to be Daniel, in their living room. He wants to say something,  _ anything _ , but he also doesn’t want to stop her from talking because if it’s what she needs, then that’s what he wants to give her, “I tried to make him feel loved and wanted and… special, you know? I-I tried but it wasn’t enough. He needed them.” At least the tears have slowed down, his hand moving down to hers, as he brushes his fingers over her knuckles, wishing he could take the pain away. “Mom checked out, dad tried but… it was hard. He felt guilty for finding joy in Buck but Daniel only had a year with him and he… god, he loved him so, so much. He would tell him stories and make him promises of the three of us going on adventures and then when he realised… he wouldn’t be coming with us, he made me promise to look after him. I was eight but it was the easiest promise in the world.” 

Chimney presses a soft kiss to the back of her neck, holding onto her hand a little tighter as she sniffs. And it’s not the first time and it’ll never be the last, but he wishes he could just… take it from her. Every pain, every memory, every ounce of regret and hurt and fear. He doesn’t know how Maddie or her brother turned out the way they did but he’s thankful. So thankful. She’d already told him of the promise, how her parents had sat her down and how her mother had held onto her hand so tightly that Maddie had thought it would break, as she begged her to stop talking about her brother. Her dad had promised her a fresh start, a life where they could just be a family of four and not five or not four and a ghost.  _ “You’re making your mom sad, you don’t want to do that, do you, Maddie?”  _ Had played on her mind for years, the haunting way in which she had repeated them to him that night had played in his own mind for the days afterwards. He’d take that from her too, if he could. The pain of a promise kept through sadness and loyalty to parents who had never extended her the same courtesy. 

She tells him of the endless injuries Buck had endured as a child because she had accidentally made him realise that it was the only way to get attention in any good way from their parents. She tells him of teaching him how to ride a bike, of going to his football games and sibling dates to their favourite diner, of happier times that only ever involved the two of them. And he knows she makes the same silent promise he does in that moment; that their daughter would never feel that way. She’d never feel as safe with another person as she does with the two of them, no matter what. 

Maddie had opened up to him briefly, several times about her life with Doug. How she’d met him when she was nineteen, both of them attending the same college, how she’d fallen in love with him immediately and in her desperation to get away from her parents, how they’d moved in together barely two months after they had met. Things had moved fast and after years of fending for herself and her little brother, Maddie had been ashamed to admit that the constant phone calls and the need to know where she was and the questions, the fights when she said she had plans with anyone other than him… it had felt like someone finally cared about her. Years of feeling unloved had left her holding onto her only experience of it. She had told him about Boston, about how she had dropped out of college to move there with him, how he’d paid for her to go to nursing school with his trust fund and then it felt as if she owed him something. He’d made her feel as though he was giving her that slice of freedom and she should be grateful and there was that constant reminder that he could take it from her at any given point. 

Boston was where she had been the most isolated. It came with it’s own bad memories, most of which he knows she hasn’t told him and maybe she never will and he can’t fault her for that because he doesn’t need to know  _ everything.  _

Silence fills the room once more, only alleviated by the gentle sobs of the woman he loves and he wishes there was something he could say to make it all better. There are no words, though, there’s nothing, other than hope. “It won’t be like this forever,” He finally whispers, “it’s Buck and it’s you and he’ll forgive you.” 

“He’s forgiven me so much already, what if this is too much?” He gulps down the lump in his throat, shaking his head because even though he’s not really had a brother that long, Albert is still family and he’s sure that there is nothing in the world he could do that would be completely unforgivable. “I almost left Doug,” Chimney frowns, because she had told him before that she had tried to leave several times but he always found out, that the time she had left had involved careful planning and months of preparing with her friend and her boss. But still, he says nothing as he waits, “Buck asked me to run away with him. He didn’t know how bad things were at home at that point but my little brother knew enough to know that I was miserable. Every day being married to him was like… it felt like he was just tearing me apart piece by piece and I didn’t know who I was anymore but I was still Evan’s sister. I knew if he left that maybe, I wouldn’t even feel like that anymore. That if he left, he wouldn’t come back but I wanted him to be happy and I wanted him to be safe and if he stayed in Hershey any longer, he would have died. He’d have ended up killing himself in some misguided attempt to get our parents attention and I couldn’t… I couldn’t risk telling him that he would never have their full attention. There wasn’t an injury in the world that would... “ 

She trails off, his head hiding in the back of her hair in an attempt to muffle the sound of his own cries because he feels it in every part of his body, what’s coming next. If she hadn’t left with Buck when that option was provided, there would be a reason. A reason he’s not sure he wants to know because he hates the man enough already and that’s a feeling Chimney has never had before - pure, burning hatred that causes an unfamiliar rage to rise within him. This man who had taken this caring, naïve, beautiful teenager and tried to break her. “He got kicked out of college, again and… he had crashed his bike and he could have died, Chim, he could have… and he was so scared to go home and he wanted to stay with me. He wanted somewhere safe, somewhere he could be loved and I couldn’t give him that because… I couldn’t bring him home to Doug. I couldn’t give him a safe place so I made sure he could find his own.” Another breath, another cry before a pause, and he wishes he could see her face but then she’d see his and see the tears making tracks down his cheeks and it’s not what he wants her to see from him right then as he holds her close. 

“I had a plan to leave Doug eventually… I had a car, my jeep… I loved that car, it was the first thing I ever had that was mine. A-and I had… some money. Not a lot but… some, I was adding to it every paycheck. It was my escape fund, it was my way out but… it already felt too late for me to start again. I was twenty-nine but he was twenty-one and he could still have a life. He could still be happy and find love and find something he loved, find somewhere he belonged with people who deserved him. So I gave him the keys and I gave him the money and I told him to go. And he asked me to go with him.” His heart is thumping uncomfortably in his chest, the tears falling thick and heavy because he knows that if she had gone with Buck then things would have been different. The pain would still be there, the damage already done but that was still six years of suffering that had followed and any length of time was too long but… he wishes she could have escaped sooner, he wishes she could have had a chance sooner than she had. “A-and I said yes… and I was so happy, for a moment, I was looking at my baby brother and… god, the thought of going anywhere away from Hershey and with him? I wanted nothing more. I had been miserable for twenty years by that point and nothing… for just a moment, I thought… maybe I didn’t have to be sad anymore, not if it was just me and Buck against the world. No parents, no Doug, no Daniel. Just the two of us.” 

“He found out?” Chimney doesn’t mean to prompt her but the words fall before he can stop them, the crack in his voice giving him away, chastising himself in his head for not being stronger or doing better by her or for her. 

Slowly, she nods her head, “I told him the car was in the garage but he didn’t believe me. He rang them and I should have known I’d get caught in the lie and then he found the bag I had packed and he made it clear that night that I wouldn’t be leaving him.” He hates the deadpan tone of her voice when she talks about the darkest moments with Doug, in the midst of other dark moments, as though she tries to disassociate herself with the memory, as though it happened to someone else. “I thought he was going to kill me.” She whispers, eventually, “I woke up on our bedroom floor in so much pain and he was just sitting there… waiting, looking through my phone. You can’t leave. That’s what he said… I won’t let you leave. I can’t imagine my life without you.” The words are practically spat out and Chimney wishes all that hatred was aimed towards Doug and him only but he knows she reserves some of, still, for herself. Another feeling he wishes he could take from her and put on his own shoulders. 

“He let me go to the hospital… broken arm, concussion, broken ribs… I-I didn’t even recognise myself in the mirror… there was so much… swelling and bruising and my neck…” Even now, years later, she hates her neck being touched by his hands, trauma from a life once lived, ensuring that the kisses he pressed there were nothing but fleeting and gentle. “Buck was meant to pick me up after my shift and we were meant to… I-I was meant to start again with him, just the Buckley’s. I left him a note instead and told him to go without me, to find his happy place and  _ his _ people. And he did… eventually. He found you guys and LA and… he’s happy. He was happy… I-I thought he was happy.” 

If Doug wasn’t already dead, Chimney wishes for it; he’s never wanted to hurt another person in his life but he would make an exception for him. Maddie had wanted to leave with Buck, she had wanted to get away six years before she had and it hurts more than he could ever put into words because even if that difference had met never meeting her, if he could unknowingly stop her from going through six more years of hurt, then he would. His eyes wander to the alarm clock, realising that they’ve been awake for hours, Maddie pouring her heart out to him about things she never would have before and despite how exhausted he is and knowing he has work in an hour, he’s grateful because he wants to share the weight. He needs her to know that she’s not alone anymore and she never has to be again. He wants to share it all, even the hardest parts. 

“I kept them all… all the postcards and the letters and the Christmas and Birthday cards, the photographs… I-I hid them all in my locker at work so Doug wouldn’t find them. And he told me about all of his adventures, his friends and the happiness he had whilst he still tried to find his place in the world and… I was happy to know he was happy but I think I was jealous, too. The world felt too much, every day there was something new with Doug and one day, I had enough. I was tired, I felt alone, I felt… like I wanted to be happy, too. I wanted… I wanted something more than Hershey and more than working as much as I possibly could to avoid going home to a man who... “ She stops herself, the pain clear enough in her voice and the knowledge already there about what hell she had to ensure at her husband’s hands. “I decided to go to Peru to be with my brother. I packed a bag, I left a note and I-I… I made the mistake of going to the hospital to hand in my notice. He caught me on my way out. Five days in the hospital later, I decided to stop replying to Buck, I-I thought… I thought it would be easier when I died if he hated me. I thought it would be easier for me, too, not to… let my mind get carried away with thoughts of joining him and trying to find myself, too.” 

Chimney takes a deep, trembling breath, nuzzling his nose just behind her ear as he tries to hold her impossibly closer to his own body, knowing he’s going to be late for work but knowing this is more important, “And that’s why you stopped talking to him.” The realisation comes, the memory of how Buck had told them that he hadn’t heard from his sister in three years before she had arrived in LA. He had nothing left of her other than a hospital address he’d send a Christmas card to every year and the jeep she had given him. If he knew that she hadn’t  _ abandoned _ him either of those times, but she’d been forced to stay away in an impossible, inexplicably difficult situation, maybe it would be… easier. Maybe it would… help. 

“Third time’s the charm, right?” It takes a moment for the sobs to start again, for his heart to feel as though it’s being pulled from his chest and stomped on before he scrambles into a sitting position and lifts her head onto his lap as delicately as he can possibly manage. 

Trembling fingers scrape through her hair, biting down on his own lip to stop himself from crying with her. Buck had saved her life and he probably had no idea, he had given her something to cling onto when she felt as though she had nothing and there’s a massive part of him that wants to thank the youngest Buckley. Maddie had saved his, too and he can’t stand the thought of the two of them being torn apart by a decision forged in the midst of trauma at nine years old. “It’s going to be okay.” He promises, looking down at her as he nods, “This will pass, Buckley’s for the win, remember what you told me?” 

Maddie laughs a little through her tears, reaching one hand up to press against his cheek whilst her other moves to her bump, taking comfort in the warmth of how much their little family loves each other already, “You think so?” 

“I know so.”


End file.
